Who Moved My Chi?

Not sure where to start this one.  It's ironic that in the middle of one of the busiest months in my life I feel awkwardly bored and unproductive.  I'm scribbling this while taking a break from excruciatingly drab academic writing and in the middle of what I suspect will be the flu (A-a-achoo.  Bless me).  Yet, I feel ... blah.
Maybe I feel overwhelmed, not bored.  There's so much happening all the friggin' time that I don't know where things begin and where they ought to end anymore.  Looking at the fax brings heaving convulsions.  I'm dodging deadlines I didn't even know existed.  Yeah, I really enjoy it when the Hallway Neatness Compendium was due yesterday and I spent all week compiling The Campus Earthworm Demographics Chart.
Wondering how my son is and when I'll be able to see him has become a daily obsession.  It's almost like being pregnant again, except he's outside my body and getting reamed by some drill sergeant because some clowns decided to steal donuts from the mess hall.  Sucks. 

Perhaps I feel blah because I can never get my mind to quiet down long enough to focus on one thing.  My mind has been interrupting a lot and it's getting pretty annoying.  Like this morning, when I decided that I had to call in sick.  My body said, "don't even think about getting up" and my mind answered, "remember the report? who's gonna do the orders? how can you lay in bed all day long and feel good about yourself? Lazy bones!"  You can't win with my mind.

Nonsense

So I'm not technically slacking because although I am at a meeting at work, I am also working through lunch. K, now that we have that cleared up let's talk about random nonsense like why spammers have infiltrated my blog. I mean, who really cares if you got an inheritance of millions of dollars. It's not mine and it's really not nice to brag. In addition, why did you put some of it in an account special for me? And, if you have so much money why do you need me to pay for the fees? What do you take me for, a crazy gecko? Take your money and leave me alone and stop spamming me. Spam is food, not fraud. Well, technically it is food.

Randomly nonsensically speaking, I read the online paper for the first time in a long time again. There is a lot of negativity and blamestorming going on there, no wonder why I stopped reading it. Nobody uses their real names when commenting so I don't know if I like them or not. That's because I base my decisions on real people who have names and not anonymous people who can only share their opinions behind a mask of pretend. I liked to pretend when I was eight. Now I'm older and if I have an opinion I'll give it to you.

I also perused...he he he...I mean lurked on blogs today. There are still a lot of really good bloggers in the CNMI even though most of us have kind of decided we'd rather do something other than spew our life stories to the world. The world of islands. The island. Maybe just to pooper scoopers. That's what one of my FB friends calls them, pooper scoopers. People who lurk on your page to collect the latest happenings then distort them for their purposes. Their purpose usually turns out to be full of shit. As I was saying, I found some new blogs (to me) that I liked, some old ones that I missed somehow and rekindled my love for my faves.

That song from the Eagles is stuck to my brain "...Well I'ma runnin' down the road tryin' to loosen my load, I got seven women on my mind..." except I have about four things on my mind, they aren't women and I don't know how I'll ever get them done before deadline. "Take it easy...take it easy...don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy..." I have decided that I need a red DONE button like the one in the Staples commercial, except that's an EASY button. I prefer done to easy because no matter the amount of effort I put into things I like to be eventually finished with them. This never pertains to dishes, laundry or cleaning, sadly.

Lots of people like to say "not ashame" a lot. It's like how "fer real" was popular before, remember? I want to say it too, but I never felt it was really appropriate until this morning when my friend told me a story about how some self-absorbed butt-head obnoxiously invited themselves to something and had people at the table wondering more appropriately, WTF? Not ashame! I didn't say it out loud though, but now that I'm blogging it, I wish I had. Names and details were omitted to protect the identity of everyone. Sorry that was so ambiguous.

The other morning my son said out of nowhere, "I think Peyton is the most beautiful out of all of us. I think Hope is most like you, that's why you fight so much." Just out of the blue, just like that. Then we talked about all sorts of things like why grandma is never wrong, why auntie Yvette is just like grandma and why I'll always be the best girl in his life. Ok so he didn't exactly say that, but as we were talking I got a vision of him at 6 years old saying, "mama you 0-ways be my bess girl." Sigh.

Meeting's about to start up again and I have myriad thoughts running through my mind, especially about MLK Jr. and things not seemingly related him, but important nonetheless. That's another post I suppose because it's finally sunny outside and I want to be able to stand in it for at least ten minutes before I have to start thinking again. Thinking hard, like about the four things I have to get done that I have only recently started. Okay so I haven't started on them yet, but I'm thinking about it.

Julia makes me want to be a better person. Ok not really, but I did make some bruschetta

I liked Julie & Julia more than I thought I would. Yes, I fell asleep the first night Wayne put it on, but while my eyelids were dropping I said to myself in my best Julia Child voice, "I really must finish this movie." Last night, after watching it all the way through I realized some things about life, eating and blogging.
One, we all need purpose in our lives. I'm always saying I want to be happy, like I just want to be happy, that's all. The truth is, I don't just want to be happy, I want to live my life with direction. Purpose doesn't have to be something that changes the world if you act carefully and with love; it can be anything that simply makes something else better. Each day is a unique chance to do something for ourselves and others, no matter how small, even if it's just resolving to keep a smile on your face.
Two, I realized that I love to cook. Funny, I always envied my friends who could cook because my meals were well, mediocre at best. Maybe it's because Wayne's such a good cook, or because I see how much my family enjoys my recipes, but I have been cooking quite a bit this past year. Know what? I'm pretty good at it!
Three, blogging isn't narcissistic, it's brave. It takes a lot of guts to open yourself up and let people watch your life. I'm not saying I'm brave. I still get to edit and click the publish button after I write, so how raw can that really be right? I'm just saying, I'm putting it out there and you can take it or not, but I'm still the one choosing to do it.
Okay, so these are not earth shattering, miraculous revelations, but what did you expect? Stigmata on my bruschetta?

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Peyton and Sommer making sand sculptures

Smiling, it's not that easy but Wayne keeps one on all the time.

On our way to the beach, our favorite place on Sundays.

Hope and Akieva chatting away, in person

This is the life, I agree

This is my blog

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated to blog. I had a chat conversation months ago with Mona, and we talked about how difficult it was for a friend of hers to be candid after a certain incident in her life. I didn't really feel the same way at the time, I felt it was pretty easy to write freely, not worrying about how others would take it, knowing what I wrote were my feelings and that what others perceived could only affect me if I let it.

Lately though, I've worried a lot about what to say, what to share and how to say it. I haven't closed this blog to invitation only because it has always been a safe haven. I know for sure, there are people who come by and scoff or just come by to check up and that is starting to bother me. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but maybe because for the first time in my life I'm really happy and I don't want that tainted. Tainted how? I don't know entirely, but it's a weird feeling I just get.

I find myself censoring my post, deleting it, rewriting it, forgetting about it, all because I'm afraid. Gee, that's not been me for a long time. I know there are shreds of fear that come from places in my past that don't belong here anymore, but they emerge every once in a while and disturb the peace. They start to make me feel like I'm not good, smart, pretty or valuable enough. It's an old habit that comes from years of neglect and emotional abuse, there I said it. It doesn't belong anywhere...not anymore.

So, I thought I'd write without editing today, so that I start the process again without hesitation and without the threat of things that exist merely in my mind. I force myself to write it out until it's bled all out of me, until I can no longer feel the hovering of eyes logged on to catch a glimmer of something to mock. It feels nice, comfortable, safe. Whew. A relief.

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Sommer turned 5 yesterday. She is incredible, has this amazing vocabulary and knack for saying the funniest things. Before I forget, here are some of the most recent Sommisms.

At the video store
Sommer: Miss, do you have Cinderella?
Saleslady: No, I'm sorry that's out.
Sommer: (with hand on forehead) No Cinderella? I need to go to the nuthouse!

When Poca had puppies under my car last week:
Sommer: Look Wayne, look! Poca is giving birthmark! I've never seen a dog give birthmark!

Stuff That Goes Through My Head When My Brain Isn't Paying Attention

Does anyone know the sound a lizard makes? Just in case I want to sing Old McDonald Had A Farm with my kids one day and one of them chooses a lizard. It would be really embarrassing not to know. You know?

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Do you think conversations will go like this one day?

"Hey, great seeing you here! What's it been like 3 months?"
"Nah, must've been 6 months since the last time we got together, but that was on Hi-5 wasn't it?"
"Yeah, I don't get around much, didn't make it to MySpace, too crowded. Heard you hang out there a lot."
"Used to, but I've been blogging lately. Anyway, this Facebook is pretty cool, I've seen a few people I know already. Having fun? "
"Totally. Hey, have a drink on me I'm passing them out..."

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Bipolar Nerdism
What is it? How do you know if you or someone you love has it?
Is there hope?
LOL
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House is right. Without a laser pointer, who would take you seriously?

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like your toes don't bother you everytime you look at them

Is that the saying? LOL

Yes, we're opening school on the 8th of September. The teachers are waiting to start a brand new year. We might not have consistent electricity, but we do have power. It obviously won't be as comfortable as we'd like it to be for our staff and students, but it's no more than what we all have to put up with at home. I'm sure that the kids are all itching to meet their new classmates and teacher, plus we can't afford to put learning on hold for any reason. We move on! I remember one of my first grade students years ago saying to me, "I finally learned how to spell homework Ms. Boni. But, then we had that long weekend." No, we move on.

Parents will be well advised to dress their children in light breathable clothes and provide a re-fillable water jug. My kids are pretty used to drinking water since it's the only thing in our refrigerator and still the best thing for you. Please do not send your children to school with snacks that will only deplete their energy, i.e. sugary, processed and packaged snacks that are easy to buy but hard to get any nutritional value from. Since it's a new school year, it is the perfect time to start a healthy habit. A nice sandwich or some cut up fruit with water can be a perfect between class snack. If you have questions about what our staffing pattern or requirements are, please visit our GES blog. It's been a long summer and our campus is not the same without the pitter patter of Mallard feet. We can't wait for September. It's going to be a great year, I can just tell. We'll post up some back to school info at the Mallard Pond soon. See you on the first day of school!

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Yellow roses greeted me yesterday morning. I didn't know what I did to deserve them, so I asked. I'm rarely speechless. I have many cute comeback lines stored in this brain of mine, but the answer caught me off guard and I'm truly comeback-less.

"You always deserve my love and affection,

you don't need to do anything to expect it from me"

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Why I post a picture of my un-pedicured toes is beyond me. Maybe it will shame me into taking time for myself? If my good friend Wonda saw this, she'd be appalled. A woman does not bare her un-groomed feet for the world to see. Anyone know a good salon?

This blog is about hastily written, drive by musings, something I've been neglecting lately.

So, here goes.

Would you think less of me if you knew?
Considering this, what would you think if you knew my sweet little three year old sampled some puppy chow yesterday? Kidshealth says that I need to try to find other finger foods more suited to humans and that dog food is not nutritionally sound. Tell that to my parents who carelessly left their puppy's dish on the kitchen floor! It was only one nugget, I promise, and the strangest thing happened. Sommer actually started barking! Ok. So this is not funny.


I don't know why, but I really like canned tuna.
It's like poke for po' folk. Only cooked. And smushed. And oily.








In addition to being claustrophobic, I think I may be agoraphobic.
I always wondered why I was only comfortable between the walk from the crowded elevator to the buffet line. Now I know.







I need a new cell phone.
But, I'm going to have to "accidentally" break my old one to justify it. Unless it accidentally breaks by itself.







If I don't get any comments on today's post, it's all my fault.








Just in case you're wondering, Tony and Hope got a new Macbook for Christmas. Sommer and I worked hard to configure settings, as you can see.

In a Hurry, Have to Post

Harry is the decided winner of the Saipan's Best Blogger Contest. My sincerest congratulations to Harry, and to the rest of the blogging crew who deserve to be recognized! Next time we drink margaritas to celebrate, please call my cell phone, one of you has the number, I'm sure of it.
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I had an awesome first day of school and am already falling in like with my 21 students. We worked on observations and inferences yesterday.

I observed that Ms. Boni was our teacher when I saw her greet us good morning at the door.
I inferred that she got fired as principal and had to be a teacher again.

Pretty good, eh?
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Billy Bot got loose this morning and ate some flowers. Now he has morning-glory-breath. He,he,he,ha,ha,ha!!!
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Reading A Thousand Splendid Suns right now. Loving it!
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The smoking ban: I think it should go the route of popular initiative. When Cliff finally starts reading this blog and decides to get moving, he should know that there are many of us, including smokers like me, who will help. Let's get cracking man!
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Okay, gotta go. See ya' later alligators!

Random Thoughts in the Food Court of My Mind

It is a vulgur thing eating in a crowded food court, watching people shovel food into their mouth.
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Me and you, Saipan and Guam people, we are descendants of taotaomona and so you should be able to buy land here too? Whatever.
I think everyone should be able to buy land here, but just for the sake of ridiculous argument gat'chong, what the heck does that have to do with the price of pugua in Chalan Piao?
Guam cannot use that argument, descendants of taotao mona. Geez, has anyone ever seen the application form at UOG? They want to know if you are Chamorro from Guam, Saipan, Tinian, Rota, Pagan, Agrigan, etc. For what? What the heck difference does it make to UOG? Why not just come out and ask if you are Rotanese, Saipanese, Guamanian, etc? If anyone is keeping the barriers up it's that dumb application form. Next time you find yourself filling it out, write CHAMORRO FROM TAOTAOMONA.
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Who said that? Mom? Oh God no, it was me. Please God, please don't let my children not want to be anything like me when they grow up, but, oh God please don't make me turn into my mother.
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Sommer, Peyton and I rested our heads on the picnic table and watched the stars last night. We saw three shooting stars and talked about how beautiful the night sky looked. Then we said goodnight to the cockroaches, fruitbats, frogs, crickets, geckos, deer, Billy Bob, termites, mosquitos, hilitai, and Luna.

Twinkle, twinkle little stars
we don't wonder what you are
big giant balls of gas and fire
billions of years old and far, far away

Yeah so what that it doesn't rhyme. What do you want from a tired mommy, and a six and three year old?