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Friday, June 19, 2009

This is my blog

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated to blog. I had a chat conversation months ago with Mona, and we talked about how difficult it was for a friend of hers to be candid after a certain incident in her life. I didn't really feel the same way at the time, I felt it was pretty easy to write freely, not worrying about how others would take it, knowing what I wrote were my feelings and that what others perceived could only affect me if I let it.

Lately though, I've worried a lot about what to say, what to share and how to say it. I haven't closed this blog to invitation only because it has always been a safe haven. I know for sure, there are people who come by and scoff or just come by to check up and that is starting to bother me. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but maybe because for the first time in my life I'm really happy and I don't want that tainted. Tainted how? I don't know entirely, but it's a weird feeling I just get.

I find myself censoring my post, deleting it, rewriting it, forgetting about it, all because I'm afraid. Gee, that's not been me for a long time. I know there are shreds of fear that come from places in my past that don't belong here anymore, but they emerge every once in a while and disturb the peace. They start to make me feel like I'm not good, smart, pretty or valuable enough. It's an old habit that comes from years of neglect and emotional abuse, there I said it. It doesn't belong anywhere...not anymore.

So, I thought I'd write without editing today, so that I start the process again without hesitation and without the threat of things that exist merely in my mind. I force myself to write it out until it's bled all out of me, until I can no longer feel the hovering of eyes logged on to catch a glimmer of something to mock. It feels nice, comfortable, safe. Whew. A relief.
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Sommer turned 5 yesterday. She is incredible, has this amazing vocabulary and knack for saying the funniest things. Before I forget, here are some of the most recent Sommisms.

At the video store
Sommer: Miss, do you have Cinderella?
Saleslady: No, I'm sorry that's out.
Sommer: (with hand on forehead) No Cinderella? I need to go to the nuthouse!

When Poca had puppies under my car last week:
Sommer: Look Wayne, look! Poca is giving birthmark! I've never seen a dog give birthmark!


4 comments:

Rick said...

I'm glad that you are happy, Boni, you deserve it. From what you told me and from what I read on your blog about your history (and Wayne's) if anyone deserves happiness it's you guys (and your kids, of course).

Your daughter's comments are just TOO cute! hahaha :-)

Anonymous said...

It's fine to feel like that, but what are blogs for after all?

plumeria*girl said...

Bon,

I, too, have been a little behind on my blogging for the same reasons, too. It's like I want to share, but also don't want to share the things going on in my life. People are ALWAYS waiting for the next thing to talk about. Believe me girl, I hear about people talking about me and I'm all the way out here!

Okay, I think I'm inspired to write a blog now....

Deece said...

I haven't been writing much lately. And I don't quite know why. Partly because I just haven't had the chance to, partly I'm been feeling down about blogging for reasons I can't explain, and partly for feeling down about blogging and tweeting because I know that people who really really strongly don't like me follow my every online move. But I have always censored what I write. And sometimes I don't want to, but then something will happen that will remind me that even though I don't get as many hits as Mona, there are still a lot more people who read me than I am aware and I never know what they'll do with the things I write.

And Happy Birthday to Sommer!!!!