This is my blog

Lately I've been feeling unmotivated to blog. I had a chat conversation months ago with Mona, and we talked about how difficult it was for a friend of hers to be candid after a certain incident in her life. I didn't really feel the same way at the time, I felt it was pretty easy to write freely, not worrying about how others would take it, knowing what I wrote were my feelings and that what others perceived could only affect me if I let it.

Lately though, I've worried a lot about what to say, what to share and how to say it. I haven't closed this blog to invitation only because it has always been a safe haven. I know for sure, there are people who come by and scoff or just come by to check up and that is starting to bother me. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but maybe because for the first time in my life I'm really happy and I don't want that tainted. Tainted how? I don't know entirely, but it's a weird feeling I just get.

I find myself censoring my post, deleting it, rewriting it, forgetting about it, all because I'm afraid. Gee, that's not been me for a long time. I know there are shreds of fear that come from places in my past that don't belong here anymore, but they emerge every once in a while and disturb the peace. They start to make me feel like I'm not good, smart, pretty or valuable enough. It's an old habit that comes from years of neglect and emotional abuse, there I said it. It doesn't belong anywhere...not anymore.

So, I thought I'd write without editing today, so that I start the process again without hesitation and without the threat of things that exist merely in my mind. I force myself to write it out until it's bled all out of me, until I can no longer feel the hovering of eyes logged on to catch a glimmer of something to mock. It feels nice, comfortable, safe. Whew. A relief.

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Sommer turned 5 yesterday. She is incredible, has this amazing vocabulary and knack for saying the funniest things. Before I forget, here are some of the most recent Sommisms.

At the video store
Sommer: Miss, do you have Cinderella?
Saleslady: No, I'm sorry that's out.
Sommer: (with hand on forehead) No Cinderella? I need to go to the nuthouse!

When Poca had puppies under my car last week:
Sommer: Look Wayne, look! Poca is giving birthmark! I've never seen a dog give birthmark!