I Know What I'm Gonna Look Like When I Grow Up Mommy

"Miss your bubby?" I asked the girls on the way to school today.  It had been a quiet ride and I wanted to break the silence.  In fact, the house was a bit quieter since Tonton left.  The two short weeks he spent at home prompted the sound of sisters giggling as they once again shared a room and laughter as kids jammed Rock Band each afternoon their brother picked them up from  school .

"Yeah" Sommer answered, "I miss him a lot."
"It's hard to imagine growing up and one day not living with each other, isn't it?"
"I'm going to visit Tony, Hope and Sommer all the time when I leave home" Peyton said.  "Ahem, what about us?" I joked, pretending to be crushed.  "I'll visit you every day" Sommer squealed.

What will it be like?  Will they come every weekend to play Scrabble and accuse us of cheating when we beat them? Will I bust out the good wine and ask them to help me learn how to use the latest technology because "I don't know why they have to make it so complicated nowadays!"  Will they sit at the table smiling at us bouncing babies on our knees cooing, "dance, dance, dance"?  Will they give us instructions on how to care for our grandkids, warning "whatever you do, DO NOT give them sugar!"

 Kids get older, but some things never change

• Spontaneous hugs and kisses from sweet girls who want a hug back and even from 18 year old boys who just want you to know they love you "one more time"
• Presents made by little hands that knock on your bedroom door too early in the morning, excited to see the excitement in your eyes.
• The sound of anything followed by the word mommy. 
• Hearing the words "I love you" before or after any other words are uttered, and sometimes when you least expect it.

I remember playing the "I love you" game with my dad growing up.  Me: I love you.  Dad: I love you more.  Me: I love you more because you only loved me for part of your life and I've loved you from the day I was born.  Dad: I love you more because you've only loved me for part of my life and I've loved you all of yours.  Now, we all do this with our children and with one another.  Text to my sister Bet: K, see you soon.  Love you.  Text from Bet: k, love you more.  

 Mother's Day 2011 with half of our children.  It was the beginning of a perfect day on a perfect weekend.  Or, as Hope put it, "some of the best weekends we've ever had."

Leave a message...i'm at the beach

 

This is what happens when you whine about not having been at the beach for weeks.  Your husband tells you to go to work and concentrate on what you need to get done and then organizes an afternoon fiesta. Family, food and unlimited bliss. I love this man.

This is my kind of afternoon meeting.  Me, Jess and my sister Yvette.

Count the black dots.  

On second thought, don't waste your time looking for things that aren't there.

TGIS

After uploading some photos on FB today I realized that today was 1) one of those perfect Sundays and 2) my husband is really my best friend.  You can't plan perfect days.  You can hope your one day off is relaxing and try and make it that way, but truly awesome days just come together somehow. I slept in this morning even though Wayne had to go to work super early, but at around 9am he came back from work with a triumphant , "it was canceled!" Yippee, we slept in later :)   At noon, we got the kids in the car and took a road trip to find some of Saipan's more popular landmarks.  The girls got to see some places they'd never been to before and I realized that there may not be much to do on Saipan, but that's proportionately dependent on what what you value to be worthwhile. Sometimes you just have to get out and find your bliss.  We make it a point to do things that the kids can get actively involved in, but our usual beach Sunday turned out even better on the road. 

One thing I love about my husband is the fact that we have fun doing even the most mundane of things. Maybe fun is not the word.  We enjoy each others' company no matter what it is we are doing.  That's both new and amazing to me.  As we prepared dinner, I caught myself thinking how great it was to share a task with someone who loves being with me.  We laughed and joked, chopped and mixed and by the time we were done we had a great meal prepared in the time it took the kids to finish their dvd.  After dinner, the kids took over the cleaning and we sat outside in the cool Papago air together.  I love that we laugh.  I don't remember ever being like this and I'm grateful for my best friend.  A lot of times we can't wait for Fridays and we spend our whole week counting down the days, but if every Sunday were like this, Fridays would definitely get bumped off my TGI list.

Mississippi On My Mind: taking the message of equality home

Three things came together in the past two weeks that had me reflecting on the human spirit in a big way.  The Martin Luther King Jr. Day activities at the American Memorial Park, The Pacific Equity Academy Mtg. in Honolulu and reading The Help, by Kathryn Stockett.  They are very separate events that became woven together perfectly to reinforce the beauty and strength that people in adversity have in spite of their circumstances and all the reasons we should continue promoting equality in all aspects of our lives.  I have to do some backtracking to make this understandable because I'm still trying to piece together myself how these three things would be brought into my life with such force of meaning in such short span of time. 

MLK Jr. Day:  We went to the amphitheater to listen to the presentations because Wayne was going to introduce some of the contributions Empty Vessel has made and because we wanted the girls to be a part of honoring Dr. King and his work.  In the past, Hope and Tony have come with me to marches.  Sommer hadn't heard of Dr. King yet, but Peyton shared his " I have a dream" speech with us at the kitchen table.  We talked about segregation and what it was like for people like Rosa Parks and Ruby Bridges. 

About how scary it must have been to walk to an empty school with armed guards knowing no one wanted you to be there and how courageous Ruby was day after day.  It was important that they heard about the bravery of African American people in the Civil Rights Movement, the sit ins, the peaceful protests, the history of the struggle for fairness.  We owe such an enormous debt of gratitude to Dr. King and the men and women who gave their lives so that everyone could realize it isn't right to treat others unkindly because of the color of their skin, the God they worship, the people they choose to love, etc. 

I was prepared to listen to a tribute to the great MLK Jr.  on that day, but what we saw was a different kind of testimony to Dr. King's dream that "one day all children join hands and walk together as brothers and sisters".  We heard personal stories from Filipinos, Koreans and Carolinians about what it is like to live in a multi-cultural household and the ugliness of racism right here in the CNMI;we saw dances from Palauans and there were more messages against domestic violence.  It was Dr. King's day, but we all were a part of it, because we are not excluded from the wrongs of discrimination.  I walked away thinking how beautiful it was to pay homage to a great man by recognizing the dreams of every man, how fitting it was to represent the many faces of our diverse island in order to advance human rights.  I thought he would have been proud to see it.  On the way home I thought about our children and prayed that they would embrace the richness of their cultures, that they would treasure the tapestry of their heritages, and that they would look upon others with more than just tolerance, but with appreciation for what they bring to the whole of our community. 

The Help: I started reading The Help, right before I left to PEA.  It is the story of Southern Maids in Jackson, Mississippi and the white women they worked for in the 1960's.  I can't give too much away, except to say that there was one powerful recurring theme, at least to me, in it's message. In Chapter one Aibeleen is asked a question that we all ask ourselves at least once in our lives, "do you ever wish you could change things?"  The story is about courage in the face of certain death, the choices we make when faced with opportunities and the suffering black men and women endured that we can never ever fully grasp; that no story, not even this one can accurately convey.  I thought about Thelma who has worked for me for 13 years and asked myself how many times she's shaken her head in dismay as she watched me make foolish choices.  I questioned whether or not I have treated her kindly and with respect, and if I ever really thanked her for being a part of our family.  I laughed thinking of all the times I ever did some downright idiotic and wondered if it was hard for her to watch, if she ever wanted to just smack me upside the head.  I know that my children will have the same depth of love for her when they recall moments in their childhood as they do for me, and surprisingly, I am not jealous.  I hope that I have been as good to her as she has to me. 

More to come...after I stop crying.

The best of you, not what's left of you

Sometimes you worry about not having enough money. Sometimes you worry about not having enough time. I'd prefer to look back on my life and regret not having enough money, if that's even regrettable. I'd been working a lot lately and spending little time doing truly dedicated things with my kids. Wayne and I have always tried to do things that involve participation from the kids, but lately I started to feel like I needed something more than just the ordinary pizza night. I was afraid at first to bring up the subject, but I really wanted to do something special. After almost two years with Wayne I still have to work on hang ups that linger. I remembered how hard I fought to go on a family trip to Australia years before; how it seemed like I had to practically defend the need to make memories. This time was much easier, though and I am ever so grateful for the family values we share. One day I will get used to this being a team thing. For now I am just appreciating the fact that time is not something I will regret spending with our children because our time is spent making sure they remember how much we love them.

It was only Guam, but on Christmas morning we surprised the kids by telling them they had to pack for an early morning flight the next day. They looked at us with astonishment at first, then the excitement kicked in. It was funtastic! It was all about the kids! I'd never done anything on Guam before other than work or shop. I actually have never spent any time out of stores. I was always shopping, finding things for the kids or just trying to pick up stuff for home. This time I did very little shopping and lots of laughing. The family time we spent made up a million-fold for any shopping spree. I'll always remember how we sat in the parking lot at KMart unable to get out of the car until our laughter subsided from sharing the day's adventures. Wayne, me and the kids red in the face, tears streaming down our cheeks; stomachs hurting from laughing out loud! I'm so blessed. So truly thankful for the time with the kids. I'd literally never heard my son laugh and talk so much in years. We met family on both my mom's sides, my dad's side, Wayne's side and friends. The smiles on the kid's faces made it all worth it. It seemed like everyone was able to forget some of the struggle at home that inevitably comes from adjusting to a new life, a blended family and those irritating, heart wrenching, stressful weekend switches. This is our life and we need to make it the best one we can. Hope you enjoy some of our little vacation pics.

Waiting to leave early in the morning

We've arrived!

Sommer's grape adventure at Denny's

Hope's cake batter with gummy bear ice cream at Coldstone

Visiting with Auntie Vicky and Trish

Wayne and I

All of us on the bumper cars!

Underwater World

Visiting with John in Talafofo

Tarza!

The girls had partners on Guam!

Sommer and Auntie Annie's mini dobie Metgot

At the end of your life, the people who mean the most to you should have the best of you, not what's left of you...

No scorpions to fear

I've spent the majority of the day thinking about equity, fairness, justice and peace. I could probably spent all night consumed with these thoughts, but it would only be a waste of time and energy, both of which I have little to spare save for my wonderful family. It is a necessary lesson in life that evil will prevail. Not all the time, but it will, I know this all too well to try and dispute it. Evil, deceit, greed, they feed on victory, no matter how superficial, no matter how temporary. Truth lies motionless, unable to defend itself against the Goliath of malice. What's left to do but throw your hands up in the air and succumb to defeat? This was the question in my mind all day.

Then I took inventory of what was "lost" and "won" and found that what I wanted could never be decreed, wait, let me rephrase... What I treasured most in this world could first of all, never be taken from me, so there could never really be defeat. Evil prospers because it can. Evil prospers because it eats, breathes and sleeps conquest. Evil prospers because the only thing evil desires more is more. There comes a time when the chains of verbal abuse, mental hi-jacking and learned helplessness slip off your ankles and wrists and there's no power in heaven or on earth that can put them back on. When that time comes it feels like new rain, and the best place to be when it rains is the valley, because that's the place that gets filled up first.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about why things were so bad and how people I thought I knew could be so venomous, so loathsome, and then I remembered what one person shared with me a long time ago. In the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog, it's best to remember what's in each of their natures. I'm thankful for that lesson, no matter how precarious the journey across the lake was, because it's taught me to neither hate nor fear the scorpion. It isn't much use to even pity the poor creature for it only sees what it has to in order to survive, it knows nothing less than what comes naturally.

At the end of the day, especially a long day like today, what matters most is hearing my husband's voice on the other line and knowing just by the sound of it that he's smiling because I'm on the other line. It's enough, to be assured that our home is filled with laughter, that our children are happy and that even though the lake still needs crossing, there's no treacherous ride, no scorpions to fear.

Just another day at work

It's funny how a moment can stop you in your tracks. How you can turn perfectly still and just know that something really extraordinary is happening. This is a picture of my dad. We both went to Tinian for work last Wednesday. He was going to be deliberating on a bill with the Senate and I was going to be pleading for that same bill's passage. I am an educator and my father is a lawmaker. He has seen me do what I love many times as I grew professionally; always encouraging, always cheering, always beaming. Until last Wednesday, I had never really seen him at work.

Sitting in the Tinian courthouse I was struck with emotion as I watched my father. He was speaking, but I was slowly drifting off in my thoughts, forgetting for a moment what I was supposed to be doing there. He talked. He said he was the only legislator without a formal education, not even an Associate's degree. He said that a nation could only be great if it invested in it's children's education. I had heard him say these things many times, but that day was markedly different. I knew it would be etched in the corners of my memory, only to be coaxed out one day by a word, or the sound of paper rattling, or a microphone being tapped. It's a spectacular thing, the birth of a memory.

One day I will tell my children the story about the day grandpa and I went to work together.