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Friday, March 28, 2008

Why Moms Should Never Freak Out On Their Sons OR Feeling Irie

The last time I did a genuine double take it was early in the evening as I walked into my bathroom to pee. Just to pee mind you, my world was just fine sans drama. So, there I am in all my happiness when all of a sudden I gasp. Oi! I fumble with the most basic of post-peeing procedures and think "What the heee......!"

Flashback: there was a silver thing sitting on the bathroom counter.
Yes, a silver thing. I now remember glancing at it in passing and thinking
"Oh, what a nice bong."
BONG?!!!

Wait! It can't be a (now I can't even say it). I want to rush back to the counter but my feet are somehow stuck to the tiles with some panic cement that comes from deep inside the womb that carried my child for nine months. That's right boy, I think. Nine months and you dare to bring a bong into my house? Okay, I try to remain calm and walk wobbly knee'd over to the sink.
There it is. Spout. Elongated tube. Do you see it? OMG, OMG, OMG. That's really all that's going through my mind at this point. That, and what did I do to get cast in this really bad After School Special? I close my eyes, then open them. It's still there. I move it with my one index finger, afraid I'll get residue on me and then I start picturing Homeland Security wiping my hand down with that Noxema pad they use on luggages. "Oh, Ms. Reyes, we're going to have to ask you to step aside. A female agent will pat you down. Don't worry, it's only precautionary."

I push it a little harder. It's solid, pretty heavy, and it looks like it's almost made of silver or platinum. Where did he get such an expensive bong? I need to decrease his allowance. I knew he wasn't eating that cafeteria lunch. It's all my fault, I've financed my own son's addiction!
I hold it in my hand and contemplate our futures. If I go to jail, I'll deserve it for not seeing the signs earlier. I knew that skater dude haircut I let him get was trouble, why didn't I do something sooner? I pick it up and sniff it. I look through the spout. No ashes, no leaves. No little roach stuck inside the neck. It doesn't even smell like weed. "Kid's pretty savvy", I think to myself, "and, what a clean boy too!" His bong is spotless. When they haul me off to the Guma Hustisa and arrest me for parental neglect at least I'll know I've taught my son proper hygiene and care. I will go with a full heart, wearing that orange jumpsuit and look into that KMCV camera dead on and with my head held high. I will wear my brown peep-toe pumps. Brown goes nice with orange.
After absorbing it all I turn it over and read the engraving. 11CB. Made in Checkoslovakia. They make bongs in Checkoslovakia? WAIT! Didn't Tony Jr. say something he owned was from Checkoslovakia? I dash to his room with alleged bong in hand and lo and behold! Alleged bong fits perfectly, beautifully and oh so innocently into his trombone! I blow into the mouthpiece and revel in the sounds of relief. Just so you all know, my son had a good laugh on me too!!

17 comments:

Saipan Writer said...

Irie!

breathe, breathe, breathe.

this is too funny.

Saipan Writer said...

But what was he doing with a piece of his trombone in the bathroom?

bigsoxfan said...

Brown with orange, I can remember that. I'd figured it out by picture three, but then again I had my pants pulled up. No Drama's, then.

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

...using it as a bong.

James said...

hmm a major part of your High School education was lacking if you mistook a musical mouthpiece for a bong.

Or maybe you went to a better class of school.

lol. This post made me laugh. Ahh the follies of being a parent.

Lex said...

Ok so its a bong that you blow into instead of suck, I say he still deserves to be grounded! haha good one Boni =)

Jeff said...

I'd still be more concerned as a parent with that surfer haircut I see around SSHS.

Boni said...

It's a skater haircut or social outcasting. I won't interfere because I'm sure there are pictures of my 80's hair-bear days somewhere in our family archives.

Marianas Pride said...

the trombone makes one hell of a bong. Check out www.trombonesmakeonehellofabong.com

Jokes! Boni, you are so crazy. And did I mention what a talented writer you are?

I heard you wrote an upcoming article about an inspirational individual? Yes, more shameless plugging for MP.

Hmmmm, how many margaritas do I owe Boni? Let's just say anytime you go to Naked Fish and order a margarita, just say "Put it on Ed's tab."

Seriously, thanks again for such a beautiful article. When I get to be your age, I hope I can learn to write like you. Happy 40th birthday Boni!

Bruce A. Bateman said...

What a naive' parent...after skillfully scouring the bong to eradicate THC evidence you bit on the Czechoslovakian mouthpiece story. Bet you didn't check inside the slide to find the actual stash, or flip the spit valve to find the hidden flint and lighter or the teensy weight scale. And that big bell thing at the end of the "trombone" -- did you notice how that conveniently fits over his nose and mouth for maximum inhalation. And why do you think they have those little drawers inside "trombone" cases? To stash the cash of course.

Okay Ms Paranoia. Gotcha. (:-)

HAHAHHH Boni, Your kids are too good to fall into that kind of a life. (And too smart to leave their paraphernalia in full view on the bathroom counter),

Boni said...

Ed, you sucker! I am nowhere near 40 remember, I'm younger than you. That makes a rolling tab for margaritas that you owe me. MP Magazine! I am a real life grown up writer, woo hoo!
Bruce: you almost had me tripping. I was this close () to walking over to Tony's room and scouring it when I realized that he is the greatest 15 year old I've ever met.

Marianas Pride said...

Who let the bong out?!

Woof, woof, woof, woof...

hehehehe. ;)

trying said...

a little high strung are we? : )

bigsoxfan said...

File this under. One good turn... I ran across this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrMFPmhWT2w&feature=related I've never seen the movie the song is linked with, but the missus says it is a good one. Hope you and gang are enjoying the weekend.

Marianas Pride said...

zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Boni? Hello? Ummmm, ever think about updating this thing you call a blog? Just wondering...

By the way, can I borrow your son's pipe? I mean, mouth piece for his trombone? I seem to have misplaced mine.

sweetbeibi said...

LMAO!! thats so funny...LOL...ai si boni

Taizo said...

I'm in a summer marching band and whenever we leave our instruments to go exercise, etc. and leave them in a public place, our section leader makes us take our mouthpieces. Why you ask? Because apparently the Seattle hipster scene values them highly as bongs, and will steal them for that purpose.