Mother's Day is just around the corner and so are those dagnabbit contests! You know? The ones that search for Saipan's Coolest Mom or The Best Mom in the Entire Universe, Perhaps Even Beyond Ours? It's not that I feel pressure to compete or need that kind recognition to feel appreciated. On the contrary, I am humbled beyond belief when I consider how privileged I am to raise my children. The word unworthy comes to mind, I am wholly unworthy of them. Oh geez, I've failed them in so many ways, so many more times than I care to admit. I've been a busy mom for as long as I can remember. I've worked my entire life and didn't stop working when I had the kids. I've carried babies, gone to school, nursed them while taking exams and kept on working as they reached milestones I worked hard to celebrate with them. Wayne says I am too hard on myself, but that's only because he sees all the effort I put into making everything extra special. Inside I am exhausted and hoping I am doing my children justice while trying to salvage the last bit of energy in me. As I write this, Sommer is giving me kisses on the forehead, cheeks and nose. She asks me, "Mommy, are you happy?" and my heart aches when I look at her beautiful little face, "I am so happy baby". She still smells like a baby, innocent and warm. She thinks I'm great, but she has no idea that I feel like I don't deserve her.
Before you start defending me, I've done really bad things too. I profess to be strong, but I've failed my children in the past by not being strong enough to let some things go and give them peace. If I knew then that the very things I was afraid of are things that chained me to our misery...I could have saved them from it all. I still find it hard to forgive myself for not doing what I knew had to be done. So weak.
I will not be given a plaque next Sunday as I escort someone else's child to a school event, and my children will have to wait to tell me they love me. Right now, whether I deserve them or not does not matter. I am their mother and already honored.