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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Quests

I've been reading T's recounting of her affair lately, following her as she processed the whole thing. While I admire her honesty, I'm not sure how to feel. It started out as pure curiosity, wanting to know what it is that people are thinking when they decide to go beyond the point of no return. I guess I wanted to find answers to my own questions about whether or not there was any guilt in deception because my own experiences were fraught with arrogance instead of remorse for the pain inflicted.

It was a hard read, and by the time she got to her 3rd part I'd forgotten about my own pain and found myself in her shoes. It wasn't a comfortable place to be and I struggled with my own prejudices. While she came face to face with her past I was coming to grips with the idea of forgiveness. Forgiveness is easy, I've done it a million times before. It has nothing to do with trust, respect or even friendship. It has everything to do with freedom. Sometimes you can think you're free when you're not. I have a lot to process too even though my life is exponentially better than it ever was. Maybe process is not the right word. I have a lot to digest now that I can look at everything objectively and without the sting of it all.

I doubt I'll ever be where she's at because the circumstances were so different, so honest. I do however recognize the life I've been given and just how peaceful it is for the first time in a long time. I keep waiting for it to end like a cancer patient waiting to fall out of remission and then I remind myself that the life (that's what I thought it was) I was living was unbelievably dysfunctional and difficult to replicate. Once you live like that, you never want to do it again and every part of your being inadvertently fights to avoid it. It takes times to accept good things and good people. T's good people even though my heart is troubled by her story. I am sure that journaling it has helped her finally put it to rest, but it's helped so many more people than just T. I stole a quote from her blog to bring closure to this post, pardon the pun.

"Conflict must be resolved. It cannot be evaded, set aside, denied, disguised, seen somewhere else, called by another name, or hidden by deceit of any kind, if it would be escaped. It must be seen exactly as it is, where it is thought to be, in the reality which has been given it, and with the purpose that the mind accorded it. For only then are its defenses lifted, and the truth can shine upon it as it disappears.
~A Course in Miracles lesson of the day, Nov. 29
Thanks girl.

2 comments:

T said...

It takes times to accept good things and good people.

How true is that?

Honestly, Bon, I think the reason this had to come out is because I'm trying to make room for those good things. I think as long as I kept it as part of a secret past, I felt undeserving of good things. I worried about the what if's... mostly, I wondered how I did that thing - that "thing" that isn't all that uncommon apparently - but stung me and others so deeply. I had to evaluate who I was back then so that I can let her go.

I want closure too. I appreciate your thoughts and the fact that you kept reading, despite the pain.

And by the way, the arrogance that your ex showed? It was the only way that he could probably justify what he was doing. It was the only way he could deal with it. And it had nothing to do with you.

Arrogance always comes from fear and pain.

((Giant hugs)) my friend. Thank you for your support.

Bon said...

Giant hugs back to you T :) I hope that you're doing better than you were earlier, glad you got to go on vacation.