EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT DISCIPLINE (and life) I LEARNED IN A ROSS DRESSING ROOM

The warnings are everywhere so why don't people ever heed them? Every time I walk into a Ross Dress for Less I am painfully aware of the reality that "young children should never be left unattended". This message is repeated over the intercom every few minutes for a reason folks. Sometimes I get it confused with the airport warning and wonder if I leave my child unattended will Ross security confiscate and destroy her? For this reason, I never bring my children shopping with me unless it is for something I can't avoid and then I begin my spiritual cleansing days in advance by praying the rosary nightly, imploring the divine mercies of Our Lady of What The Hell Were You Thinking Bringing Your Kid To a Crowded Department Store?

Still, other women are not so smart and they pack their little babies in shopping carts intended only for that really awesome $7.95 BCBG shirt that looked fantastic from every angle of the horrid three way mirror. Why would you ever violate that holy space with a squiggly 4 year old? Children have no place mixed up with fashion clothing on sale. Ugh, these women are either ignorant to these truths or they have banded together in an effort to collectively sabotage the shopping experiences of those of us who value tranquility.

There they were, tastefully dressed women with perfect hair, maneuvering their carts through crowded aisles of textile treasures. And, there they were, their innocent, lovable children, before the dressing room transformations. I meander through the same aisles and finally, to the women's fitting area. The nice lady gives me the 6 garment tag and I bravely make my way into the corridor. "So far, so good" I think while I slip my blue Roxy blouse over my head. Then the chorus begins...

"Carter. Carter? Carter, where are you? Where's my baby Carter? Oh, there you are Carter. No Carter, no. No, no, no. Sit down neni. Sit down Carter please. Carter, mommy wants you to sit down, neni. Carter...CARTER!"

(Lesson #1: Sometimes less is more. No, for real.)

"Move, move, move. OMG, what's wrong with you? Look, you fell down cause you can't keep still. Gee-suss"

(Lesson #2: Messages, unlike vegetables, should not be mixed up)

"Pulan! Get out of there, Pulan! Just wait! I'm gonna tell daddy you don't wanna keep still. Do you want me to tell daddy? Daddy's gonna spank you. Do you wanna get spanking? That's it! Look daddy...oh, there's daddy!! DADDY! "

(Lesson #3: Sticks and stones can break their bones, but daddy rarely scares them. Plus, he's probably sitting on the bench hiding too )

"Stop crying, I already told you that if you didn't keep still I'm taking your PSP. So, why you crying now, you wern crying when you were jumping around like a monkey. I don't care. No. No more PSP. THEN KEEEEP STILL THEN DAMMET!!"

(Lesson #4: Mean what you say and say it without being so dang mean)

"Ok, let mama try this on then I buy you ice cream. Good girl. Mommy loves you"

(Lesson #5: If you bribe 'em now, you'll end up paying later)

Ten minutes in a cramped stall is all I can take. I want to choke Carter and Carter's pretty mommy and I want Pulan's daddy to come quickly so he can make his mama stop it too. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!