Oceans...duh!

There's a party at Oceans for all things under the sea. Fish are friends but I wonder if there'll be sashimi. There will be free food and I hear, a beer garden. Come help support the National Park or at least pick people's brains who know more about it.

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember.

There are two groups of people in a child's life that have the greatest influence on them. The first are parents. Children are fiercely loyal to their parents no matter what kind of people they happen to be. This is good for the parent who realizes and understands the impact of that unconditional love. It is not so good for the child, as I know full well being a child of divorce myself, when that faith is shaken and tested unrelentingly. With all my experience growing up in a broken, blended, extended, mended and re-mended home, I am still wholly unprepared for single parenthood and the challenges that come with. Truth be told, I'm a little embarrassed to write this post. I'm sure some of you may think it's a little too much self exposure, like displaying an open sore for the world to see. I myself don't know why I am writing this today, only that I feel I must and for the first time there is no one to stop me from baring my soul. No one to say people will judge, people will talk, it isn't proper or dignified or even right.

There is an undeniable fact of divorce that not many people are willing to admit, especially those working hard at convincing themselves of the opposite. It is that time does not heal. Time soothes the sting and sometimes it mysteriously obliterates parts of trauma from the memory, but it never completely heals. I steady myself for the journey ahead knowing full well that no amount of proper planning, counseling or parenting on my part will shield my children from the wreckage of what we have done to them. Do all dads leave? Why couldn't you fight less? Do you really believe he doesn't love you anymore? Questions I am compelled to answer because I know that if I don't, they will be imprinted in their minds. My own questions still remain, decades after my self-proclaimed/deceived healing.

My STBX and I were ordered to go to separation class this week. It was intended, among other things, to remind us that kids are not divorce-able. Would I have gone if I wasn't ordered to do so? Probably not, but I'm glad I did. It reminded me that I hadn't healed and that is big. It is big because as painful as it is to relive the emotions, they are the same emotions my children are feeling right now. I am doing to them, we are doing to them, what we stayed awake at night crying over as children.

I learned that children will always fantasize about reconciliation, that most feel they are responsible or did something to contribute to the break up, that they have to grieve and that they need to learn how to accept the permanence of divorce.

What happens now? I embrace the resiliency they have and harness that power to help them understand. I walk with them through this storm and I weather with them, the little ones that arise over time. I let them ask questions, make their own judgments, cry and be sad. I'll also let them venture into new territory, learn to take a chance on love again, open their hearts to new people and celebrate. I'll remember that they love their dad and that he loves them. I'll remind them every day that I love them.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you.” - Winnie the Pooh

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The second most influential people in childrens' lives are teachers. When asked who they admire most, children will either answer that it is a parent or a teacher. Teachers take this to heart when they walk into their classrooms, at least the ones who can recognize that they do indeed touch the future.

May 5 - 9 is National Teacher Week. It is easy to take for granted everything a teacher does because we do not see the preparation, consideration and time they put into each day with our children. Teaching is not a career, it is a lifestyle. It is a commitment to serve children, all children. I salute the teachers who give of themselves every day so that our children get what they are entitled to, a solid foundation of learning and a safe environment to grow in. Please join me in thanking the many teachers out there who have touched our lives. I want to extend my own thanks to my favorite teacher and the staff of Garapan Elementary School for their dedication to the task of raising competent and competitive learners. Kudos to you Mallards, you make it easy to love my job!!

If you want to, I'm posting a copy of the parent letter that went out this week. It has suggestions on how you can show your appreciation to that special teacher in your child's life.

Because we have so many things to be proud of in the Marianas

This is my boss Ed. He pays me well above minimum wage. Wait, how much are frozen margaritas? Anyway, I recently got promoted from writing stories about local produce to actually doing a piece on a real person. Hopefully next time when he lets me out of the barracks I can write another story for his magazine. I really like my boss Ed. He made me say that.

Check out the new MP Magazine. Locally owned and locally printed. It's what you call a coffee table magazine because it's so pretty you can use it for decoration and it's so well done you'll have to keep drinking coffee because you won't be able to put it down. He didn't make me say that.

Music & Musing

Where did the time go? I swear, I barely blinked.

He's finding his niche in this world. I didn't want it to happen so quickly, but he's becoming a man. When we meet people he no longer hides behind me, grabbing on to my skirt. He shakes hands and says, "hey man, how's it going?" and he's learning to drive now. Sometimes he lets me borrow his jacket and sometimes he steals my socks. This morning he stood at the mirror behind me and announced he was taller than me. His passion for music began in SSHS, with the help of an amazing maestro, Mr. Will Dewitt.

My son is going to Beijing with 4 other musicians from the Saipan Southern High Manta Band and the Pacific Winds Orchestra. They'll be playing in the marching band during the opening of the Beijing 2008 Summer Olympics. In 2 1/2 years he will be applying for the Berklee College of Music. If destiny and his own yearning for home and mother kick in, he'll be back to pass on his love for music to students in the CNMI. In the meantime he's still my little boy.


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“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
Love is grand. Divorce is about ten grand.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
Did you see the new Divorced Barbie Doll? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find some woman I don't like and give her a house.
Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your drink. Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

I got a special delivery today. A nice gentleman came to my office to hand deliver something in a manila envelope. I wondered if I'd been subpoenaed and what for, but when I opened it up I was pleasantly surprised to see handmade cards by Tami! OMG! LOL! LMAO! They were exactly what I needed to relieve the pre-divorce hearing anxiety I'd been having for days. Whoever said there was such a thing as an easy divorce must have been lying. There are just as many things to consider and plan for, just like a wedding. The only difference is you're spending all your money in court rather than on a reception. My STBX once told me that a divorce is just a funeral for a dead marriage. Oh well, I guess the only thing to do now is wait for the autopsy report. LOL. Hey, you gotta laugh right?

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In other non-divorce news....

"Work like you don't need the money.
Dance as if no one was watching.
And love like you've never been hurt before."

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it's always ourselves we find in the sea. e.e. cummings

I used to live in Chalan Piao. It took about twenty minutes to drive from there to work. My commute along the way was always juxtaposed by peace and desperation. Beach Road offered two vignettes. To the right of me at most times were poker arcades, strip clubs and small businesses on the verge of collapse. Ah, but to the left was the ocean: the vast, beautiful, and boundless sea. I rolled my windows down and let the ocean wind and salt season the start of each day.

We islanders always find our way to the sea. It is where we live, fish, gather to play, go to cry; it is where we look for and many times find ourselves. The ocean does not separate us from the rest of world, it connects us. But, unlike it's reach, the bounties of the sea are not boundless.

I support The National Park of the Sea for the same reasons everyone else has stated. It will be good for our economy, eco-tourism makes sense for our locale, it will highlight the beauty that is the Marianas and of course, it will bring much needed protection for our natural environment and animal habitats. Future generations will hopefully be able to jump into our waters when they want to learn about marine life and not be forced to just read about it in Science books because of our negligence. But, the main reason I joined this blog candy contest is personal.

I am enthralled with the thought of a sanctuary. Sanctuary. Say it with me. A hiding place. A place of refuge. I can't remember how many times I've needed safe harbor. There were countless times I found my solace near the water's edge, looking out into our horizon, knowing that I was inextricably tied to it.

It's more than heritage or culture.
The ocean defines us.
It is more than our responsibility to care about it.
Out of respect and awe, we must protect it.

When Ed Implies That I Am Boring

Not only does Ed spread nasty rumors that I am years older than my youthful 37, he also implies that my blog is zzzzzzzz...boring. It has moved me to update on this beautiful sunny day when I could otherwise be outside really living. Some people are not surgically connected to their Blackberries you know.

Some people go out with their friends and family and make horrible fools of themselves singing karaoke.

Some people make it a point to surround themselves with beauty and warmth. Or wait, was that booty and umph?

They watch the kids simply enjoy growing up together. Play date anyone?

They don't mind getting splashed by a wiggly three year old even after swim time is over.

Sometimes they say "heck with the diet" and eat all the fries they want because it means sharing them with special people.

Sometimes it means letting go and watching their babies become wonderful friends.

Like me. Nah, not boring at all, just living life. Almost to it's fullest. Life is good.