Momma's Gone Postal

I haven't sent anything through the mail since, I can't even remember the last time. So, when I went to pay the mortgage and the woman behind the counter said, "our office is now closed and you'll have to send your payment to Guam," I stood there for a few seconds unable to move. "You mean through the mail?" "Yes, do you have the address?" "www.mortgage.com?" "Uh, no." She meant the kind with a zip code. That was only the beginning of the mail trauma.

I haven't had a postage stamp since, since the Young Elvis stamp came out. So, I took the trek to the U.S. Post Office in Chalan Kanoa to buy stamps for to send off my bill. Did you know that the stamp machine doesn't tell you which stamps are sold-out until you put your money in it? Did you know that the dollar bill slot doesn't work? Did you know that even if you run to the Chinese store across the street to get quarters because the dollar bill slot doesn't work and you find out that the stamps you want are sold-out you can't get your change back? Ya-ha, neither did I!

I put $1.50 worth of quarters in the machine and then found out the $1.03 stamps were sold-out. Having no more quarters left, I stood there punching all the letter-number sequences I could, A2..B1..C3...no bingo, and then put my head on the machine in an act of surrender when it took my money! No change, no money back, no stamp, no luck. So, I ran back to the Chinese store where the man was not smiling anymore and got change for $3 more. I ran back to the USPS and dropped the quarters in and even though it previously took $1.50, I am still .75 short! Why? Because I was too slow deciding which sold-out stamp to buy. I wanted to cry, but I kept punching the letter-number sequences hoping it would take pity on me and sense my desperation. At the same time I call out, "Help! Anyone working in there?" "I need help." I know there is someone working because I hear the pitter-patter of mailman feet through the PO Boxes and I hear island jams playing in the background, but does someone come out to assist me? Nooooooooo.

My mortgage is late, my quarters are in the machine and soon the tell-tale beep marking the loss of three more dollars will reverberate through the walls. I need one stamp, one stamp. Now I have to buy the only stamps not sold-out, the international $3.75 stamps to send my payment two hundred miles South to Guam. Why?! Where is the electronic payment url? Where is the consideration?

Three people walked in and out obviously averting eye contact with me, the crazy woman negotiating with the stamp machine. "Why?" I whined, stroking the cold, calculated metal. "Come on, one stamp!" Suddenly, the unthinkable happened. I turned into my mother, unafraid to plead the mercy of strangers, "Excuse me kind sir, would you happen to have one stamp, three quarters, you see this machine has taken my money and I'm afraid I won't be able to send off my prescription for insulin, for my diabetic, attention deficit, hearing impaired great uncle who is wasting away on the veranda." Only one man, obviously a man after His own heart took pity and ran to the very Chinese store I had gone to get me three quarters before the machine beeped!

It's a good thing my children weren't with me. Not only would they have been horrified at my behavior, I was so grateful I might have gone home with one less Gomez. "My youngest child for your undeserved generosity good sir!"

*********

Good one Mr. O!

Me: My ear is totally itching, I must be having an allergic reaction to something.
Mr. O: Ooh, maybe you have pink eye.
Me: What? I said my ear was itchy, not my eye.
Mr. O: Yeah, that's what the paper said the symptoms of pink eye were. Facial itching. You didn't get the nurse's article?
Me: What?! No! Nurse Reyes, where's that symptom sheet! My ears are itching, and so is my cheek. Oh no, I can't get pink eye!

Nurse Reyes running in, Mr. O sneaking out of my office.

Me reading symptom chart: That's not funny O!